Kudos to a Friend

I just want to tell the story of a friend of mine.

I have a good friend that I met a number of years ago. I actually worked with her, or at least worked in the same area. I saw that she was very good at staying busy and being responsible (something I was NOT very good at during that point in time). Over the years, it was obvious the company we had worked for recognized those qualities, because she was promoted and given lots of responsibilities. She continued to work hard for the company, and do her best to follow protocol and meet assigned tasks and train her employees. During this time, she was confident, independent, and successful.

A few years later, she got married, and then quit her job to be a full-time stay home mom. So she went from getting respect, adult interaction and self-esteem that came from the career success that she had experienced this far, to spending a lot of time at home alone with kids, changing diapers, and feeding babies, along with the many, many other things that stay-home moms are responsible for and usually don't get very much respect for.

As I’ve watched her, I’ve seen a bit of that confidence, independence and self-esteem that she had at her job fade over time. Her husband was never home, due to work and school. So she didn’t really have any help. He tried, and still does, but he doesn’t take a lot off of her plate (in my opinion, she could have done better at her choice of husbands, but that’s another story!).

It’s been a number of years since then, and I just have to say that over the years I’ve watched her grow and mature (not that she was immature before). She’s so giving and caring. Her 4 children are smart and well-behaved, all due to her. Her husband has learned a LITTLE bit about being more responsible. Each person in the household eats every meal because she goes shopping to buy the food and prepares it. Every person in the household has clean clothes to wear because she washes them. Every family member participates in and enjoys family home evening because she helps them with their assignments. The kids get to experience things the best way they can based on their family’s financial situation. She cares for others, and she is willing to sacrifice anything for herself if she can provide for another family member first. I know this because I’ve seen her do it.

She had a very deep desire to do things exactly right, which inspires and amazes me, and I think it is a great trait to want to do everything exactly the way it should be done.

Sometimes, though, this same trait (something that some people call being a ‘perfectionist’) can be damaging as well. She feels as if some things are beyond her grasp because she can’t be perfect at it. She feels like she is the only one, or at least one of the few people, who can’t be perfect at certain things. She feels like she is either GREAT at something, or TERRIBLE at something, with no room for “OK” or “pretty good”. Over and over I have seen her discount the amazing things she has done or incredible effort she's put into something because it wasn’t perfect. She often responds to a compliment with a self-criticism. She feels like she can’t measure up because she sees people do specific things REALLY well, and she admires those people so much and all she sees is a HUGE gap between where they are (where she’d like to be), and where she is. What she doesn’t recognize, at least doesn’t appear to recognize, is that she is admired by many and a great example to others as well.


So now we come to the whole purpose of this blog post.

My hope and wish for her is that she will recognize her value in her position as a wife and mother, as a caretaker, and as a friend.

I want to tell my wife, my friend, that she is simply amazing. I want her to know what everyone else already knows. She accomplishes more on her “unproductive” days than I do on some of my most “productive” days. It is because of her that our household and family are as great as they are.

Rhoda, I’m so glad you were willing to marry me. You are my valentine, forever. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and you are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing person. I try to tell you “I love you” all the time. I hope that doesn’t diminish the impact of those words. It certainly doesn’t for me. I love you and always will!