Being a Father

So for somewhat obvious reasons, I've been thinking about fathers today. I have a lot of great fathers that have taught me so much and I look up to them so much. One day, when I grow up, I want to be just like them.

Father's day is usually a day where everyone writes stuff about their fathers and when they've learned from them and things, but it got me thinking about actually being a father, so I thought I'd write some stuff from the dad's perspective. At least, from my perspective. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings.

First of all, I wouldn't even be a father without my beautiful, wonderful, amazing, supportive wife. She is really the guiding, stabilizing force in our family. She is so giving and loving. Which brings me to our having 4 kids. Aside from everything else, to see all the changes and difficulty that she went through with each pregnancy, that she was willing to submit to that 3 more times (after she'd already gone through it once). My part in the whole thing was pretty insubstantial, in comparison. But that's not all that she gives to our family. I am constantly amazed at how much work she puts into making our children happy, and giving them wonderful experiences.

The feelings as I rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night in anticipation of having my first child.
So much was going through my mind those last few weeks (besides finals). I thought often about the responsibilities that go along with being a father. Responsibilities that I had yet to take on. I wondered if I'd be up to the challenges that lie ahead. I wondered if I'd be able to provide for my son the kind of life and upbringing he deserved. I wondered if he'd be healthy. I wondered if I'd be able to keep him safe. Such a small little life, depending on me for his care. What if I wasn't up to the task? I wondered if my wife and others knew how afraid I was of failing at those things. I thought a lot about my dad, and the things he did for our family, and wondered if I'd be able to fill those big shoes. We arrived at the hospital, and new concerns arose. Are they going to keep us here or send us home? Is the staff on duty qualified to handle the delivery of MY child. Sure, they do that all the time, but for MY child? Only the best is good enough!

I wanted him to be happy and safe and protected. I wanted him to have everything he needed, and I saw immediately what I guessed: Rhoda was there, giving him almost everything he needed. I loved him instantly. Unbelievably, that little, fragile, baby, was my son, and I loved him.

Will I have enough love for both of them?
In time, we were expecting our second. We didn't find out beforehand whether it would be a boy or girl, but I knew I'd love this child either way. And yet I had more fears. Adding another person to our family that needed support and protection and care. I had felt so much love for my first. Would I be able to feel that for my second, without the feelings for the other diminishing? How would that be possible? Would I be able to wisely divide my time between the two.

Same questions, same miracles.
In time, we had two more. Wow. I don't know that I ever looked forward at my life and imagined having 4 kids. Each time we were antipating one of them joining our family, I wondered the same things, even though the miracle had occurred each time. My capacity for loving apparently has grown, because I so dearly love my wife, and each of my four children beyond comprehension. I would be utterly and completely lost without them. My youngest is now about two and a half, and I still have the same fears and concerns. Will I be able to give my children what they need and will I be able to teach them what I need to teach them and will I be able to provide lasting memories for them to hold on to.

As time passes
I think about how the world has changed in my lifetime. I grew up in a little neighborhood, where all the neighbors knew each other and watched out for each other. We didn't lock our door, and we never had any problems. You'd watch the news and it was news and information, not just a list of crimes that had been committed, as so often happens these days. I watch that and think about my children, and the challenges they face, growing up, going to school. The world is not the safest place, and yet I want to be there to protect my children. And not just from crime, but from hurt. It's heart-wrenching to hear that your child has had a hard day at school because others weren't being nice. Or the look on the kids' face when you've gone too far in your reprimand, and you break their little heart. And yet, in no time, they've forgiven you and want everything to do with you. Amazing.

Realizations
Over time, I've realized a few things. I know that they are not new things, but they are things that I only partly understood until I became a father myself.

• Your children want you to be happy, and they try to do stuff for you, like making sure they use your favorite color when they make a picture, or making sure that you get to eat the sucker they gave you right away, and even tasting it first to make sure it's a good one for you.


• Your children want you to be proud of them. You could give them stuff, but in the end they just want your approval. It just takes a few seconds, but the joy on the childrens' faces when you take that couple of seconds and watch the "cool move" they do on the trampoline, or when they tell a joke, and you laugh.


• Your children are "so glad when daddy comes home". I love walking through the door at the end of a long day, and hearing the kids, almost simultaneously, yell "Daddy, you're home!" It erases, if even for a minute, the frustrations and tiredness from a long day's work.

This list could go on forever (like this post already has), because there have been so many things I've realized over the past 8 and a half years that I've been a dad.


It's the Best
So I love it. It's hard and scary, and you give up a lot to do it, but I love it. I love that it goes on forever. I love that I have lots of chances every day to do better, because I mess up a lot. I love that I get to be the silly, goofy, crazy, loving, concerned, protective dad. I love it all. I'll take the good with the bad, the joy with the frustration. It all tips in my favor. The joy and the good outweigh the frustration and bad. I think I can sum up my feelings about it in a few short words:

Being a dad is the best job in the world!